48 Hours

In less than 48 hours I return home.
Today, my sister Kellie and I went through Aamber's skull collection, sorting out between the two of us who gets what. It just seemed right that she and I deal with them since we also have an affinity for skulls and things considered 'gothic.'
I'm really eager to get home and resume the new life I have begun for myself out there but there is still this cloud of gloom that hangs overhead. It's the loss my family has had to deal with and I'm honestly not sure what my mood will be like when I get home. I really haven't had a 'break down' where I cried and sobbed and whatnot since I've been here, mostly because I'm not in my 'safety zone' but also because anger has taken a more powerful role in the order of my feelings. When I get home I will be able to mourn my loss.
I've told Mike already that as much as I would like to go home and jump right back into our normal lives, I don't think it's going to happen. He understands that there will be times when I will seem like I'm in a really bad mood but it's more that I'm thinking about my sister and the fact I will never hear her voice or see her face ever again. It's a loss like i've never felt before.
It's odd having so many people around you and still feeling like you are alone on a deserted island.

I was talking to a friend of ours last night, Amanda, and she told me how she knew Aamber when her and I were dating and she liked here then, but when Matt's girlfriend Clair passed away earlier this year Aamber was around a lot more for support for Matt, during this time Amanda was able to get to know her better. She said she was worried about me much like she was about Matt. I told her I've gone through losses like this before and have already gone through the gambit of hurt, anger and wanting to die myself but it's that last part I no longer have. She was worried, I understand why but to me the thought of killing oneself because of a loss like this is silly. What better way to continue the memory of a loved one than to live life to the fullest?
Something else has helped, it's an episode fo a show called The Tick. Aamber and I watched this episode after our Grandma passed away last year and it helped get through that and it really helped get through this. The Tick says "The Grim Reaper is an ugly customer I'll grant you that, but when your time comes I say Grab it! Who knows what wonders lay at the top of Death Mountain, you may be able to shake the hands of the greatest minds in human history, or, maybe death is just Mother Nature's way of saying, 'Try again."
When Aamber and I watched that it made sense.

It still does.